A sucker punch to the gut

Its amazing to me how one moment you can be cruising right along minding your own business, enjoying your day when all of a sudden someone or something throws you into a quagmire of unresolved subconscious garbage. Today, for me, that something was my cousin's blog.

I had no idea she was writing a blog (but who isn't these days) nor did I know how absolutely floored I would be when I read it. Not only is she much more articulate than I would have ever given her credit for (which raises all sorts of insecurities in myself) but she also is so much better adjusted than I would have ever thought possible.

Why would these two, seemingly positive, attribute have such an impact on my day? Well, maybe its because I have always imagined myself "better" off than she. Put myself higher up on whatever fucked up hierarchy I apparently have in my mind concerning female relatives and friends. And I think that, the hierarchy, is part of the problem today.

Reading her blog today, which was about her mom, made me realize all sorts of things about my own relationship with my mom. And I couldn't help but compare. Our mothers have never gotten along.

Her mom is loving and giving and, well, normal. My mom is an alcoholic and selfish and self-obsessed. Her mom taught her to be nice to her elders and to always see the "light" in people. My mom told me to respect my elders, but then couldn't do it herself, and to be suspicious of others, because they might want to hurt you.

I think the hardest thing to accept is that my cousin so clearly loves her mom and I don't even know if I can respect mine.

The other thing that her blog brought up for me was how much I judge others, just like my own mother does. We damn them based on superficial and inconsequential information to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

My cousin was the youngest daughter of 4 and she and I rarely got along as children. Most likely, our age differences played a role: I am 7 years older than she is. It probably also didn't help that her oldest sister was my best friend and we both loved to pick on her as a kid. But until today, I still held on to that "she's just a bratty, dumb kid" mentality which is clearly out-of-date, not to mention judgmental and mean.

So what am I supposed to do now with these new realizations about myself and my feelings for my mother? Well, obviously, I need to think about how I classify others and work on getting rid of my hierarchical thinking. But what am I supposed to do with the realization that I really and truly don't love my mother?

Like I said, sucker punch...

People who can't keep a secret seriously piss me off

I mean, is it so hard to just keep your mouth shut?? I understand by imparting knowledge that you have over someone who doesn't might give you some kind of sick high, but really? Is it worth alienating the person who the knowledge is about? Wouldn't you rather have a true friend than one you feel more "powerful" than???

Just makes me sick.

Its been a while...

I haven't been on my blog in a while, not that it currently matters as no one else is reading this but me. However, as I believe at some point in my life I'd like to look back and see what exactly I did with my life, I figure I should write it down.

In fact, I've been thinking about just that...what am I doing with my life? I know, I know...boring pre-mid-life crisis topic, but nonetheless, I think its an important question to ask. When I grow old and die (or young and die, eek!), what will people remember me for? Being a "good" friend, being a "good" daughter, being a "good" massage therapist...I mean all these are "good", but Einstein wasn't just "good". Marie Curie wasn't just "good". Newton, "good"? Ah, no, GREAT!

So what is it exactly that I'm doing with my life. What should I be doing? I imagine that there must be something out there that I'm EXCELLENT at, but what? I think I believe in destiny, so what's the plan? Do I just wait around and see if destiny finds me? Or do I go out and search until I drop?

As always, the answer is, of course, something in the middle. Which, as usual, bugs the crap out of me. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do? There's a lot to "something in the middle". Sit around MOST of the time, but keep your eyes open? Or search, but only until you're pooped? ARGGGHHH...

Perhaps this is my claim to fame...being the most confused person on Earth. It seems I excel at this quite easily.

Ugh.

Exercise Date Night

I looked all over the web and I can't seem to find any good fitness "Date Nights", so I thought I'd put together one of my own. Here goes...

- go rock climbing
- go for a hike
- go for a run on the beach (followed by a picnic!)
- race each other around the high school track
- find a "fitness course" and time each other
- play a game of H-O-R-S-E
- hire a yoga instructor for a night and do couple's yoga
- take a dance class
- design a plyometrics routine for each other (see: http://sportsmedicine.about.com/od/sampleworkouts/a/Plyometrics.htm)
- have a dance party at your house!
- go for a bike ride
- go horseback riding
- have a visual treasure hunt at the mall and see who's faster (start at opposite ends)
- go bowling
- go golfing
- take a karate/kickboxing class
- play together on a softball team (or find enough friends for one evening and make it a group date)
- go kayaking
- go whitewater rafting
- play tennis
- play tag, hide-and-seek and frisbee a park
- get up early and take a tai-chi class at a local park

Switzerland

Can you imagine living here??

Unbelievable!

As if a new job for me wasn't enough...

My husband just got invited to be flown to Switzerland for a job interview! Unbelievable! Exciting! Scary!

We've been daydreaming for the past two days about what it would be like to live in Switzerland. Especially in this particular city. Its right on the border to Italy so they speak Italian, German and English. Its on a lake and its a well-known tourist destination! Its a little overwhelming and yet, I am trying NOT to get overwhelmed because maybe it won't even work out.

I'd be sad to leave the SF Bay Area and my friends. And its not like you can just UP and fly to Switzerland whenever you want. So I'm sure if we go, I won't see many of them for years or maybe even ever again. But the adventurer in me just can't help herself. I WANT to move. I'm DESPERATE to do something new! I hate hate HATE being bored. :)

This might just be my ticket...

This has been an interesting week...

Since my last post, I've been elated for a getting a job interview for a job I wanted. Frustrated for not getting that job. Annoyed about having to go to another job interview that I didn't really think I wanted. And finally elated that I got the job I didn't think I wanted. Whew! Roller Coaster!

I am excited about my new job as it means new beginnings: new people, new environment, fresh, clean slate. But as with any "newness", there's also the old stuff that I have to clean up. Looking back in my life, this is one area that I'm really not that good at. I have a tendency to just stop. Not close, just stop. Stop going, stop talking, stop seeing, just stop.

I'm sure that this has frustrated MANY people in my past (especially boyfriends), but I just don't seem to have the patience for "dealing" with the clean up or maybe its I just don't have the nerve for it. I'm more of a ride-off-into-the-sunset-never-to-be-heard-from-again kinda gal. Be done with the old and EMBRACE the new (ASAP if possible)!

The most challenging thing about this current job change is that I not only have to "deal" with the old stuff that I've been keeping in, but I also have to do it in a tactful way because I would like to stay there on a very limited part-time basis.

The idea of me trying to be tactful is just scary...not so much for me, but for everyone who has to see me try to be tactful. I get so nervous that I just blurt shit out. I get defensive and just try to get it over with as quick as possible which is definitely not the most diplomatic way to handle the situation.

So, sigh, what to do? How do I tell my boss that I've found a new job because I didn't like the way she was treating me or running the business without ACTUALLY telling her this and salvaging a part time spot?

I guess at this point I should explain why I actually would like to stay on at all. There are several reasons. First, I really like my clients. I don't have that many so being able to stay on part-time will allow me to keep working with them. Secondly, I like the people I work with. They are fun and I don't want to "desert" them. And lastly, for money. The new job, as great as it is, is also only part time...for now.

So there you go...glad about new job, worried about closure on old job, REALLY ready to hop on my horse and get the hell out of here.

Hahaha...

....I just realized that my blog title is misleading.

This isn't a blog dedicated to the 80s band "Blondie". For those of you out there who had high hopes, I apologize. I can almost certainly guarantee that there will be no mention of "One Way or Another" or any other "Blondie" tidbits (although, I may use "Blondie tidbits" as a title to my next blog :)) ever again.

Good luck with your fantatical devotion to an aging pop band!

About me

I am a 29 year old female. One who half-heartedly believes in Chinese Astrology (I'm a sheep) and half-heartedly thinks I'm an idiot for doing so.

I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and have so for the past 5 years. Before that...well, for now, let's just say its in the past. I love living here: the weather's perfect 330 days of out of the year, the options for food, going out, even jobs are amazing, and there is no end to the amount of irritation I cause my family for living "outside the real world" (apparently, California doesn't count as the "real world").

I am happy most of the time...usually when I'm not thinking about my job or what I'm going to do with the rest of my life, but I have a wonderful husband and good friends and almost enough money.

I love to travel and eat, especially dessert...oh! to be able to have coconut cake EVERYDAY would be heaven! I do my best to be healthy: I'm a "pescaterian" (a vegetarian who eats fish), I exercise when I can, I don't smoke and I try not to drink TOO much. :)

For the most part, I think I'm just bored with my life. I think I spend too much of my time day dreaming about how I'd like things to be rather than just making them that way. I think to myself "I should take a creative writing class", "I should learn Spanish", "I should read more 'serious' books" and "I wish my job was more fulfilling".

But isn't that why so few of us are happy? Because we spend all of our time thinking the grass is greener rather than just enjoying what we already have? already can do? Or having the guts to take action when, in fact, the grass IS greener?

I guess that is the hope for my blog...to be able to record all the good things so that I can focus on those instead of all the not-so-perfect things. And to take action, show myself that I CAN do.

Well, here's to turning a new leaf and focusing on the positives! In fact, here is a SHORT list of all the fabulous things in my life.

- I have a job (just think of all those people out there who just got laid off!)
- I have a wonderful husband
- I have smart, caring, fun friends who love me
- I have my health

I'm sure more will come to me. :) As for now, I guess I should get back to work.