A sucker punch to the gut

Its amazing to me how one moment you can be cruising right along minding your own business, enjoying your day when all of a sudden someone or something throws you into a quagmire of unresolved subconscious garbage. Today, for me, that something was my cousin's blog.

I had no idea she was writing a blog (but who isn't these days) nor did I know how absolutely floored I would be when I read it. Not only is she much more articulate than I would have ever given her credit for (which raises all sorts of insecurities in myself) but she also is so much better adjusted than I would have ever thought possible.

Why would these two, seemingly positive, attribute have such an impact on my day? Well, maybe its because I have always imagined myself "better" off than she. Put myself higher up on whatever fucked up hierarchy I apparently have in my mind concerning female relatives and friends. And I think that, the hierarchy, is part of the problem today.

Reading her blog today, which was about her mom, made me realize all sorts of things about my own relationship with my mom. And I couldn't help but compare. Our mothers have never gotten along.

Her mom is loving and giving and, well, normal. My mom is an alcoholic and selfish and self-obsessed. Her mom taught her to be nice to her elders and to always see the "light" in people. My mom told me to respect my elders, but then couldn't do it herself, and to be suspicious of others, because they might want to hurt you.

I think the hardest thing to accept is that my cousin so clearly loves her mom and I don't even know if I can respect mine.

The other thing that her blog brought up for me was how much I judge others, just like my own mother does. We damn them based on superficial and inconsequential information to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

My cousin was the youngest daughter of 4 and she and I rarely got along as children. Most likely, our age differences played a role: I am 7 years older than she is. It probably also didn't help that her oldest sister was my best friend and we both loved to pick on her as a kid. But until today, I still held on to that "she's just a bratty, dumb kid" mentality which is clearly out-of-date, not to mention judgmental and mean.

So what am I supposed to do now with these new realizations about myself and my feelings for my mother? Well, obviously, I need to think about how I classify others and work on getting rid of my hierarchical thinking. But what am I supposed to do with the realization that I really and truly don't love my mother?

Like I said, sucker punch...