A sucker punch to the gut

Its amazing to me how one moment you can be cruising right along minding your own business, enjoying your day when all of a sudden someone or something throws you into a quagmire of unresolved subconscious garbage. Today, for me, that something was my cousin's blog.

I had no idea she was writing a blog (but who isn't these days) nor did I know how absolutely floored I would be when I read it. Not only is she much more articulate than I would have ever given her credit for (which raises all sorts of insecurities in myself) but she also is so much better adjusted than I would have ever thought possible.

Why would these two, seemingly positive, attribute have such an impact on my day? Well, maybe its because I have always imagined myself "better" off than she. Put myself higher up on whatever fucked up hierarchy I apparently have in my mind concerning female relatives and friends. And I think that, the hierarchy, is part of the problem today.

Reading her blog today, which was about her mom, made me realize all sorts of things about my own relationship with my mom. And I couldn't help but compare. Our mothers have never gotten along.

Her mom is loving and giving and, well, normal. My mom is an alcoholic and selfish and self-obsessed. Her mom taught her to be nice to her elders and to always see the "light" in people. My mom told me to respect my elders, but then couldn't do it herself, and to be suspicious of others, because they might want to hurt you.

I think the hardest thing to accept is that my cousin so clearly loves her mom and I don't even know if I can respect mine.

The other thing that her blog brought up for me was how much I judge others, just like my own mother does. We damn them based on superficial and inconsequential information to make ourselves feel better about ourselves.

My cousin was the youngest daughter of 4 and she and I rarely got along as children. Most likely, our age differences played a role: I am 7 years older than she is. It probably also didn't help that her oldest sister was my best friend and we both loved to pick on her as a kid. But until today, I still held on to that "she's just a bratty, dumb kid" mentality which is clearly out-of-date, not to mention judgmental and mean.

So what am I supposed to do now with these new realizations about myself and my feelings for my mother? Well, obviously, I need to think about how I classify others and work on getting rid of my hierarchical thinking. But what am I supposed to do with the realization that I really and truly don't love my mother?

Like I said, sucker punch...

People who can't keep a secret seriously piss me off

I mean, is it so hard to just keep your mouth shut?? I understand by imparting knowledge that you have over someone who doesn't might give you some kind of sick high, but really? Is it worth alienating the person who the knowledge is about? Wouldn't you rather have a true friend than one you feel more "powerful" than???

Just makes me sick.

Its been a while...

I haven't been on my blog in a while, not that it currently matters as no one else is reading this but me. However, as I believe at some point in my life I'd like to look back and see what exactly I did with my life, I figure I should write it down.

In fact, I've been thinking about just that...what am I doing with my life? I know, I know...boring pre-mid-life crisis topic, but nonetheless, I think its an important question to ask. When I grow old and die (or young and die, eek!), what will people remember me for? Being a "good" friend, being a "good" daughter, being a "good" massage therapist...I mean all these are "good", but Einstein wasn't just "good". Marie Curie wasn't just "good". Newton, "good"? Ah, no, GREAT!

So what is it exactly that I'm doing with my life. What should I be doing? I imagine that there must be something out there that I'm EXCELLENT at, but what? I think I believe in destiny, so what's the plan? Do I just wait around and see if destiny finds me? Or do I go out and search until I drop?

As always, the answer is, of course, something in the middle. Which, as usual, bugs the crap out of me. How the hell are you supposed to know what to do? There's a lot to "something in the middle". Sit around MOST of the time, but keep your eyes open? Or search, but only until you're pooped? ARGGGHHH...

Perhaps this is my claim to fame...being the most confused person on Earth. It seems I excel at this quite easily.

Ugh.